Ninety.

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Three months.

It has been a little over three months since my RNY GB and I am down seventy pounds.
It has been a busy few months. I have been in lots of different places.
First, geographically. We went to Texas in June for a Martin family reunion. It was so great to see everyone. We also spent a week in Oklahoma at the in-laws. We worked hard but had a great time with Carolyn, Richard's mom. We got to see the Schemmers, Evelyn and Paul, Carolyn's aunt and uncle. I really love them. they are so sweet and faithful. They really are one of my favorite families to visit with. I loved seeing and spending so much time with all my family.
We ended up going back to Texas in July, as my sweet Grampy had passed away. I really miss him. He is home now, with my Grammy. So I am happy for him. He went peacefully, in his sleep, in his chair. I am grateful to my aunt Cheli for providing my grandparents with a good home to spend their last days in. It is not an easy thing, I think, to open your home for your aging parents. But I am sure she loved having them, even though it was not always easy.
In July, we went to Oklahoma for a day to spend some time with my mom. We only spent the time before and after the funeral, but it was good to be back in Norman. I missed my high school reunion, and the five k fun run for my gym, but it was worth it. I really had a great time with my family.
We spent a day and night in Eureka Springs Arkansas with Richard's sister Mary. It was great to see her and Nancy and spend some time in their favorite place. It was a great town, and Richard and I are looking forward to spending some time there as a couple in one of their many Bed and Breakfasts.
Emotionally, I have also been all over the map. Nothing too extreme, just a lot of ups and downs. It isn't anything worth going into a lot of analyzing, just been nostalgic and sad, and nostalgic and happy, and stressed, and calm. all at the same time. I am grateful to my family for their support during the last few months. So many changes.
Physically it has been a a roller coaster. My weight is plummeting, and my strength is climbing, and my wardrobe is shrinking, and my steering wheel has never been so far away. My shoes are all too big, and my underwear, and my dresses.The only constant has been my family.
I am taking up quilting, I think. Well, I have a quilt pattern and I am starting to cut out pieces to sew. I haven't sewn any yet. We will see.
I think I have blabbered on long enough.
Have a great week.

Two months post op

These are the before pictures, taken last Thursday at the gym. I will post more pictures every few weeks.

If you cut me...

So I have my surgery date for my gastric bypass. April 11th. I am as ready as I can get, I think. I have my vitamins and my protein and my appointments and new jammies and people coming to help out and take time off of work to help me. I have a few things left to do, which is to make a few freezer meals just in case I am in the hospital more than one night. Other than that, I expect to be up and around a lot. Maybe not at first, but I need to stay active. I quit my job at the mall, put in my notice at the babysitting gig so they can find a replacement. I will be going back to the babysitting, I think, unless they decide to stick with the replacement. Routine is important, so I won't be offended if they decide to stick with one. :)
I need to prepare my lesson for Easter Sunday. I wish my surgery was before the next time I teach, but they only do surgery on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Oh well. Can't win them all I guess. At least I can't.
I am excited about my surgery. I am finding, however, that I have a guarded hope. I wish I could just let go and be totally thrilled and all the way hopeful. The way I was when I was sure I was going to lose weight exercising and watching what I eat. I was planning things, looking forward to milestones, etc. But it didn't happen. And part of me is afraid that nothing will happen this time either. I know that doesn't make any sense. But I was SO SURE I was going to be able to do it. It is kind of disappointing to me that I let so many people down by not losing weight. I KNEW it was going to happen. And then it didn't. And it didn't. No matter what I changed or ate. I did gain some powerful insight into myself. And I learned that I really like exercise. Which I think are two big wins. And I am so much stronger mentally and physically. I am grateful for the things I have gained. But there is a part of me that is pouty and scared. I REALLY tried to do it on my own.
Anyway. I am making tons of sugar free jello. I am ordering chicken soup flavored protein off the internet. I am adding protein to the jello. Eventually I will be adding it to popsicles I make, too. I am not really that fond of protein powder. I have chocolate protein shakes. I have chew-able vitamins and calcium with D. I have sublingual b12, just in case my insurance doesn't want to pay for shots. I have switched my fluoxetine to tablets from capsules because I will no longer be able to digest capsules. I have biotin, just in case my hair starts to fall out. I have shakers and scoops and bottles and measuring cups and spoons and journal-ing stuff and all kinds of other things. I have been getting ready, ya'll. I mean for this to work. I am praying and hoping.
Now all I need is to get the man home from Europe and India. Next Thursday.
My mom is definitely coming out to help. She will be here for ten days. My aunt Cheli may be coming out to help too. I hope she does.
I am grateful for all the support I have gotten. In fact, I am happy to say that I have only gotten support. I have the best friends and family.

From Sacrament this morning

Savior, may I learn to love thee,

Walk the path that thou has shown,

Pause to help and lift another,

Finding strength beyond my own. 

Savior, may I learn to love thee-

Lord I would follow thee.

Who am I to judge another

When I walk imperfectly?

In the quiet heart is hidden

Sorrow that the eye can't see.

Who am I to judge another-

Lord, I would follow thee.

I would be my brother's keeper;

I would learn the healer's art.

To the wounded and the weary

I would show a gentle heart.

I would be my brother's keeper-

Lord, I would follow thee.

Savior, may I love my brother

As I know thou lovest me,

Find in thee my strength, my beacon,

For thy servant I would be.

Savior, may I love my brother-

Lord, I would follow thee.

Text: Susan Evans McCloud, b.1945

Music: K. Newell Dayley, b. 1939

John 13:34-35

1 John 3:16-19; 1 John 4:21

Recommendations?

I am feeling rather uninspired lately. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I am feeling a restlessness and a disquiet. There are amazing things going on in my life, and I am excited about them.
But there is an unease. Perhaps it is the BP, but whatever it might be, it is bringing me down.
In an effort to focus on the great things that are happening, and perhaps reduce the anxiety I am feeling, I am going to talk about some of the things happening.
First, is a lot of waiting. I am in the process of getting the bariatric surgery. The support has been fantastic. Makes me wonder if people have been thinking I needed it all along. Which they probably have. Which doesn't really surprise or bother me. My mom and Aunt Cheli are going to try to come out and help me when I have it done. Cheli has had the surgery, recently, and has done an amazing job. She says it is the hardest thing she has ever done, and the fact that she feels that way and is so supportive of me doing it makes me very happy.
The second is that I got a new calling in church. This is good news and bad news. Well, maybe not BAD news, but it definitely contributes to the uneasy feeling. I am now a Relief Society teacher. Sigh. It could be worse.
I don't know how. I have so much insecurity and anxiety wrapped up in RS and teaching in general. Add them both together and I am paralyzed with fear. I will get over it. there is a story about President Hinckley writing to his father about his fears on a mission and his father replying "Forget yourself and go to work." This is the new mantra for me, I think. Forget yourself and go to work.
I got a temple recommend for the first time in a little over a decade. This feels really good, but also causes me anxiety. I have not been in a long time. LONG time. I hope I can feel like I belong there again. I am nervous. But happy.
So there it is. I am nervous but happy. And trying to forget myself and go to work.

Big decisions

This seems to be a month for big decisions. I have another one to let you in on. I have withdrawn from my classes for this semester.
I know it seems a little extreme, but given the last four months and how I did last semester, I just feel like it is best to wait until I am more stable before I go investing all that time and energy and money into something that I am currently dreading and that causes me more anxiety than enjoyment. I have not decided to quit school, just to wait and see how this semester plays out mentally before I go jumping in again. I have discussed it with Richard, extensively, and he and I agree that this is the best choice for now.
I am open for new opportunities, whatever they are. I am confident that this is the right thing. For now.
So there is that.
Well, I should qualify the statement about new opportunities. I am open to them as long as they don't involve me being an independent consultant for anyone. LOL.

I have something to tell ya'll.

I do.

It is big. And it is something I do not take lightly. And it is something I have been considering on and off for about 12 years. I am getting breast implants.

HA! Not really. I am having bariatric surgery. I have been trying unsuccessfully to lose this 180 or so pounds for, well, ever. But seriously for two and a little more years. I have tried Weight Watchers, which made me crazy about the numbers. I am currently and will continue working with a personal trainer as long as possible, but until at least September. I have taken Xenical and Meridia, I have tried extremely low calorie and moderate calorie and several kinds of diets. 

You may or may not be aware that I tried to switch my meds around this summer. My psych meds. HAHA. It didn't work, and the next thing you know, 40 pounds and almost five months later, I am back at square one. I have been manic for almost that entire time. Do you have any idea how HARD that is? Brain on fire, anxiety through the roof, paranoia, no sleeping, binge eating. For almost five months. It is no surprise to me that people do not live through this kind of thing. I mean, seriously. I have always been able to joke about being crazy but this has been REALLY hard. Pushed me to edge. But now I am slowly coming back. I am back on the good psych meds. I didn't require a trip to the hospital, and I didn't consume more than one dose of Xanax. The whole time. I flew, I soared. But I never got really happy. Just boundless energy and no sleeping. Tons of eating and talking. Non-stop talking. Failed my math class at the community college because of it. Sigh.

Any way, it was brought to my attention that I kind of had reached a point where I had a decision to make. I could be on the good meds, and continue to gain weight. Or I could sacrifice my stability in an effort to lose weight. Not a choice I wanted to make. Both had me getting sicker and sicker until I died young. Well, not young. I am almost forty, for Pete's sake. Younger than I care to die.

So I decided to go ahead with the surgery. I don't take it lightly. I don't think it is a magic fix. I know it will be the hardest thing I have ever done. But I am learning, thanks to a dear friend, that I cannot continue to use my mental illness, be it depression or mania, as an excuse to treat myself poorly. Eat bad food, spend loads of money, etc. So I am taking each day one moment at a time. Making slow and deliberate decisions and I have found that if I am really trying, I CAN control myself. It is NOT easy. But I am grateful for the lessons I have learned, through sheer will, or from dearly loved friends and family. And if you are my friend or family, you are dearly loved. 

Which comes to the point where I tell you what I need from you. Please engage me in conversations about this decision. Do not, however, tell me I am quitting, or giving up. Or that I have failed. I struggle with that on my own and don't need those thoughts encouraged. Feel free to tell me you are proud of how far I have come on my own. Feel free to tell me you disagree. But please don't tell me it is a mistake, even if you think I really need to hear it. I know how big a deal this is. I do not take it lightly. AT ALL.

Thank you for your support.

I love you.

Food.

I have been using a new program to keep track of my food intake and what-not. It is from my gym. It is really neat. You get a grade for the nutrients in the food you eat. So far I get mostly A on everything. I have trouble getting a good grade on sodium and cholesterol. The neat thing is, you can get suggestions to eat stuff to make your grade go up. It is pretty cool. I am using it vigilantly, if you can use something like that vigilantly. Anyway, I am enjoying it. And if you know me, you know I hate keeping track of things like that. I am working on getting the forty pounds I have managed to gain in the last four months off. IKR?
I am cooking more, and eating way more fruit and vegetables. It is kinda fun, seeing how good of a grade I can get on each item. I recommend it. Still working out with my trainer. And by myself. And with Richard. I am trying to make it at least four time a week. The goal is five, but I don't feel too bad if I only make four. I am trying to burn at least five hundred calories per workout. I get that much with my trainer. I get that much when I work out by myself. I am trying to get that when I work out with Richard, but I really don't have a way to gauge how many calories I work off when I am not on the treadmill. I just know how hard I sweat. Which is a LOT.
It is kinda gross.
I start school next week. I am taking history and English comp. I am nervous. My mental health has not been that great for a while now and I am afraid I will fail another class. I think it will be okay though. I can only do what I can do, right?

Blessings

I received my father's Patriarchal Blessing in the mail today. I requested it last week. I thought it might give me some insight. It was a wonderful blessing. Beautiful, really. It has left me rather at a loss, I am afraid. I didn't receive any insight into my father or his life. But it let me know that he was highly favored of the Lord. Which is interesting to me on several levels. I won't go into them on this blog. It is too personal.
Maybe as I read and study and follow my own blessing, I will find what I am looking for. Maybe I will even figure out what that is, exactly.
It is a nice thing to finally have. It is similar to my own, in a few ways. Again, I wont be going into it here. If I know you and you want to talk to me about it, give me a call or shoot me a text/email, and I can talk to you about it.
If you are related to me and would like a copy of my father's blessing, let me know.

Happy New Year, blah blah blah.

This is not going to be some profound or even particularly witty post about resolutions or how I am going to change. I am feeling kinda grumpy.
I will say, that the list of things I want to change is mercifully short this year, but consists of all the big parts of my life. So it is going to be a challenge. I am up to it, though. Even though this past year has been crazy, full of challenges and health issues, I am chomping at the bit to get moving. The days can't come fast enough. I have already begun taking the steps I need to take in order to meet my goals. And those goals are specific, not the  dreamy, someday kind of goals, but hard, listed, and attainable decisions that have been made and will continue to be made every day. I have been on the right track for awhile now, it is time to get running. Stop meandering all over the place and focus. I hope you can keep up. :)