If you cut me...

So I have my surgery date for my gastric bypass. April 11th. I am as ready as I can get, I think. I have my vitamins and my protein and my appointments and new jammies and people coming to help out and take time off of work to help me. I have a few things left to do, which is to make a few freezer meals just in case I am in the hospital more than one night. Other than that, I expect to be up and around a lot. Maybe not at first, but I need to stay active. I quit my job at the mall, put in my notice at the babysitting gig so they can find a replacement. I will be going back to the babysitting, I think, unless they decide to stick with the replacement. Routine is important, so I won't be offended if they decide to stick with one. :)
I need to prepare my lesson for Easter Sunday. I wish my surgery was before the next time I teach, but they only do surgery on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Oh well. Can't win them all I guess. At least I can't.
I am excited about my surgery. I am finding, however, that I have a guarded hope. I wish I could just let go and be totally thrilled and all the way hopeful. The way I was when I was sure I was going to lose weight exercising and watching what I eat. I was planning things, looking forward to milestones, etc. But it didn't happen. And part of me is afraid that nothing will happen this time either. I know that doesn't make any sense. But I was SO SURE I was going to be able to do it. It is kind of disappointing to me that I let so many people down by not losing weight. I KNEW it was going to happen. And then it didn't. And it didn't. No matter what I changed or ate. I did gain some powerful insight into myself. And I learned that I really like exercise. Which I think are two big wins. And I am so much stronger mentally and physically. I am grateful for the things I have gained. But there is a part of me that is pouty and scared. I REALLY tried to do it on my own.
Anyway. I am making tons of sugar free jello. I am ordering chicken soup flavored protein off the internet. I am adding protein to the jello. Eventually I will be adding it to popsicles I make, too. I am not really that fond of protein powder. I have chocolate protein shakes. I have chew-able vitamins and calcium with D. I have sublingual b12, just in case my insurance doesn't want to pay for shots. I have switched my fluoxetine to tablets from capsules because I will no longer be able to digest capsules. I have biotin, just in case my hair starts to fall out. I have shakers and scoops and bottles and measuring cups and spoons and journal-ing stuff and all kinds of other things. I have been getting ready, ya'll. I mean for this to work. I am praying and hoping.
Now all I need is to get the man home from Europe and India. Next Thursday.
My mom is definitely coming out to help. She will be here for ten days. My aunt Cheli may be coming out to help too. I hope she does.
I am grateful for all the support I have gotten. In fact, I am happy to say that I have only gotten support. I have the best friends and family.