I take my friendships very seriously I don't make friends easily or lightly. If you are going to be in my inner circle, there are a few obstacles to break through. If you aren't in my inner circle, you can still be my friend, but I will keep my opinions and feelings to myself. Anyway, this isn't the point.
My close friends know they are important to me, and they know who they are. If you are not sure, you are not one of my closest friends. These people know I am there when they need me, no matter what. I know the same is true about them. They don't offend easily. Neither do I. I don't necessarily have to talk to you every day in order to consider you a close friend. If I love you, you know it. If I have ever told you I love you, I still do.
I say all this because one of my very best friends is moving next week. Across the country. Far away from me. Very far. Farther than I have ever been away from home, either here or in Oklahoma or in Texas. The farthest I have been from home is Utah. And that isn't that far. I have never been farther west than Arizona, and I have only ever visited one friend that lived far away from me. She is still one of my closest friends, and I haven't seen or talked to her in years. But I know she loves me, like she used to, and she knows the same is true for me. That time I went to Colorado. This time it is even farther than that. Washington state. The only other friend I visit is only because she lives near my family. What I am trying to say is that it is not easy for me to go out and visit my friends. This is because I hate traveling. A lot. If I am going to go to the trouble of traveling far from home, it better be for family. I don't see them often enough, so when I am gone from my home, I want to be with my family.
I am going to miss this friend more than I can articulate. Her family has become part of my family, and I don't want them to go. Actually, I want them to go, and I am excited for this move, for the sole purpose of it being a great opportunity and Heavenly Father has assured me that it is where they need to be. But part of me wants to cry for hours (or maybe days) and beg them to stay. I want to spend every last minute with them. The last four years have been great, because I have had my friends to share them with. I have grown a lot, learned a lot as a mother and friend, loved a great deal, and I will miss them so much. They have changed my life.
I have close friends here still. That won't change. Nor does this post mean I love them any less. All of you have changed my life for the better. All of you will be in my heart forever. That is why you are my close friends. I am blessed that Heavenly Father has put so many wonderful people in my life when and where I need them.
I know it is time for them to move on. But I will miss them. So much. The words are inadequate. My heart aches. I don't want to be without them.
So this post is for them, all seven of them. I LOVE YOU. I will think of you every day. I know we will stay in touch because I am not letting you go. So tonight, when I see you, just know how much you mean to me, and know how much I love you. And how much I am going to be missing you. But also know I am proud of you, and where you are going in your life. And I am grateful for everything you have done for and been to me.
My contacts are fogging up. Time to start getting ready for dinner.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Update...
Okay, so the last post was not that cheerful. I realize for some of you that is so not cool. Okay, so this one is going to be better.
I re-upped with my personal trainer for another year. I went to my psychiatrist and got another anti-psychotic for my bipolar, one that is weight neutral. I stopped taking all the diuretics.
I am feeling so much better about everything. I realize sometimes when I get things off my chest it sort of solves the problem, and then I feel a little embarrassed that I let everything go like that.
So I am beginning all over. I am going to pretend that I am just beginning, and here I am just deciding to lose weight, just deciding that this is a journey I want to go on. For the last few weeks I felt that I needed a break, that I wanted to just put everything on hold for awhile. Things got pretty intense in my head. And with my weight. I made it back up to 308. The funny thing is, I don't have any clothes that fit that size anymore. I was so determined not to go back there that I gave away prolly three or four hundred dollars worth of clothes. An entire wardrobe. Nothing I own is over a size 24. Now I am stuck in my workout clothes, for the most part, because they are the only things that fit. Heh.
I am back down to 295, for a minute. It still fluctuates wildly. I go see my endocrinologist on Tuesday. Hopefully we will find a reason for the weight. Hopefully it will be some version of the anti-psychotic drug mixing with the hormone changes (or whatever) to make the drug make me put on almost forty pounds in two months. Or something else that I am easily able to fix. In any case, I am ok. I am going to do a bod pod session on the 17th, where I sit in this little chamber (pod) and it measures my resting metabolic rate, my exact body fat percentage, and a couple of other things that will give my trainer something to work with as far as how many calories I need everyday, and what sorts of foods to avoid and to encourage. My trainer is amazing y'all. He works so hard to help me. My sessions are brutal, to the point that I am in tears. But he somehow makes me feel like I am succeeding anyway. He is helping me in so many ways. I cannot recommend enough that you go see him. If you need a free pass to the gym to get you started, I have several. Let me know, ok? I am serious, you guys. This is life changing stuff. Even if you just join the gym, you get a free session with a trainer. Ask for John VanVelkinburgh. I will give you his number, if you want it. Even if you think you can't afford it, check it out. The staff at Club Fitness and the DFM trainers are all amazing and willing to work with you however they can. Nick Wibbenmeyer is the DFM manager. He is awesome as well. They are all of them very compassionate and interested in helping you do what YOU can to help yourself.
So the break thing isn't going to happen. I am instead going to double my efforts at the gym, going at least four times a week, preferably five. I am going to be keeping a meticulous food journal. SO yeah. This is it again. I am pumped and ready to go. I hope I am never back here again. I hope we can find the reason I got back here again and fix it so it NEVER happens again. But even if I go through this again, over and over, this is my life now. I will never go back to just laying on the couch all day. I will never go back to binge-ing on food again. Not happening. Never. I WILL be healthy (and cute) again. Even if I am gray and bald. Heh.
I think this is long enough. Thanks for listening.
I re-upped with my personal trainer for another year. I went to my psychiatrist and got another anti-psychotic for my bipolar, one that is weight neutral. I stopped taking all the diuretics.
I am feeling so much better about everything. I realize sometimes when I get things off my chest it sort of solves the problem, and then I feel a little embarrassed that I let everything go like that.
So I am beginning all over. I am going to pretend that I am just beginning, and here I am just deciding to lose weight, just deciding that this is a journey I want to go on. For the last few weeks I felt that I needed a break, that I wanted to just put everything on hold for awhile. Things got pretty intense in my head. And with my weight. I made it back up to 308. The funny thing is, I don't have any clothes that fit that size anymore. I was so determined not to go back there that I gave away prolly three or four hundred dollars worth of clothes. An entire wardrobe. Nothing I own is over a size 24. Now I am stuck in my workout clothes, for the most part, because they are the only things that fit. Heh.
I am back down to 295, for a minute. It still fluctuates wildly. I go see my endocrinologist on Tuesday. Hopefully we will find a reason for the weight. Hopefully it will be some version of the anti-psychotic drug mixing with the hormone changes (or whatever) to make the drug make me put on almost forty pounds in two months. Or something else that I am easily able to fix. In any case, I am ok. I am going to do a bod pod session on the 17th, where I sit in this little chamber (pod) and it measures my resting metabolic rate, my exact body fat percentage, and a couple of other things that will give my trainer something to work with as far as how many calories I need everyday, and what sorts of foods to avoid and to encourage. My trainer is amazing y'all. He works so hard to help me. My sessions are brutal, to the point that I am in tears. But he somehow makes me feel like I am succeeding anyway. He is helping me in so many ways. I cannot recommend enough that you go see him. If you need a free pass to the gym to get you started, I have several. Let me know, ok? I am serious, you guys. This is life changing stuff. Even if you just join the gym, you get a free session with a trainer. Ask for John VanVelkinburgh. I will give you his number, if you want it. Even if you think you can't afford it, check it out. The staff at Club Fitness and the DFM trainers are all amazing and willing to work with you however they can. Nick Wibbenmeyer is the DFM manager. He is awesome as well. They are all of them very compassionate and interested in helping you do what YOU can to help yourself.
So the break thing isn't going to happen. I am instead going to double my efforts at the gym, going at least four times a week, preferably five. I am going to be keeping a meticulous food journal. SO yeah. This is it again. I am pumped and ready to go. I hope I am never back here again. I hope we can find the reason I got back here again and fix it so it NEVER happens again. But even if I go through this again, over and over, this is my life now. I will never go back to just laying on the couch all day. I will never go back to binge-ing on food again. Not happening. Never. I WILL be healthy (and cute) again. Even if I am gray and bald. Heh.
I think this is long enough. Thanks for listening.
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