Big decisions

This seems to be a month for big decisions. I have another one to let you in on. I have withdrawn from my classes for this semester.
I know it seems a little extreme, but given the last four months and how I did last semester, I just feel like it is best to wait until I am more stable before I go investing all that time and energy and money into something that I am currently dreading and that causes me more anxiety than enjoyment. I have not decided to quit school, just to wait and see how this semester plays out mentally before I go jumping in again. I have discussed it with Richard, extensively, and he and I agree that this is the best choice for now.
I am open for new opportunities, whatever they are. I am confident that this is the right thing. For now.
So there is that.
Well, I should qualify the statement about new opportunities. I am open to them as long as they don't involve me being an independent consultant for anyone. LOL.

I have something to tell ya'll.

I do.

It is big. And it is something I do not take lightly. And it is something I have been considering on and off for about 12 years. I am getting breast implants.

HA! Not really. I am having bariatric surgery. I have been trying unsuccessfully to lose this 180 or so pounds for, well, ever. But seriously for two and a little more years. I have tried Weight Watchers, which made me crazy about the numbers. I am currently and will continue working with a personal trainer as long as possible, but until at least September. I have taken Xenical and Meridia, I have tried extremely low calorie and moderate calorie and several kinds of diets. 

You may or may not be aware that I tried to switch my meds around this summer. My psych meds. HAHA. It didn't work, and the next thing you know, 40 pounds and almost five months later, I am back at square one. I have been manic for almost that entire time. Do you have any idea how HARD that is? Brain on fire, anxiety through the roof, paranoia, no sleeping, binge eating. For almost five months. It is no surprise to me that people do not live through this kind of thing. I mean, seriously. I have always been able to joke about being crazy but this has been REALLY hard. Pushed me to edge. But now I am slowly coming back. I am back on the good psych meds. I didn't require a trip to the hospital, and I didn't consume more than one dose of Xanax. The whole time. I flew, I soared. But I never got really happy. Just boundless energy and no sleeping. Tons of eating and talking. Non-stop talking. Failed my math class at the community college because of it. Sigh.

Any way, it was brought to my attention that I kind of had reached a point where I had a decision to make. I could be on the good meds, and continue to gain weight. Or I could sacrifice my stability in an effort to lose weight. Not a choice I wanted to make. Both had me getting sicker and sicker until I died young. Well, not young. I am almost forty, for Pete's sake. Younger than I care to die.

So I decided to go ahead with the surgery. I don't take it lightly. I don't think it is a magic fix. I know it will be the hardest thing I have ever done. But I am learning, thanks to a dear friend, that I cannot continue to use my mental illness, be it depression or mania, as an excuse to treat myself poorly. Eat bad food, spend loads of money, etc. So I am taking each day one moment at a time. Making slow and deliberate decisions and I have found that if I am really trying, I CAN control myself. It is NOT easy. But I am grateful for the lessons I have learned, through sheer will, or from dearly loved friends and family. And if you are my friend or family, you are dearly loved. 

Which comes to the point where I tell you what I need from you. Please engage me in conversations about this decision. Do not, however, tell me I am quitting, or giving up. Or that I have failed. I struggle with that on my own and don't need those thoughts encouraged. Feel free to tell me you are proud of how far I have come on my own. Feel free to tell me you disagree. But please don't tell me it is a mistake, even if you think I really need to hear it. I know how big a deal this is. I do not take it lightly. AT ALL.

Thank you for your support.

I love you.

Food.

I have been using a new program to keep track of my food intake and what-not. It is from my gym. It is really neat. You get a grade for the nutrients in the food you eat. So far I get mostly A on everything. I have trouble getting a good grade on sodium and cholesterol. The neat thing is, you can get suggestions to eat stuff to make your grade go up. It is pretty cool. I am using it vigilantly, if you can use something like that vigilantly. Anyway, I am enjoying it. And if you know me, you know I hate keeping track of things like that. I am working on getting the forty pounds I have managed to gain in the last four months off. IKR?
I am cooking more, and eating way more fruit and vegetables. It is kinda fun, seeing how good of a grade I can get on each item. I recommend it. Still working out with my trainer. And by myself. And with Richard. I am trying to make it at least four time a week. The goal is five, but I don't feel too bad if I only make four. I am trying to burn at least five hundred calories per workout. I get that much with my trainer. I get that much when I work out by myself. I am trying to get that when I work out with Richard, but I really don't have a way to gauge how many calories I work off when I am not on the treadmill. I just know how hard I sweat. Which is a LOT.
It is kinda gross.
I start school next week. I am taking history and English comp. I am nervous. My mental health has not been that great for a while now and I am afraid I will fail another class. I think it will be okay though. I can only do what I can do, right?

Blessings

I received my father's Patriarchal Blessing in the mail today. I requested it last week. I thought it might give me some insight. It was a wonderful blessing. Beautiful, really. It has left me rather at a loss, I am afraid. I didn't receive any insight into my father or his life. But it let me know that he was highly favored of the Lord. Which is interesting to me on several levels. I won't go into them on this blog. It is too personal.
Maybe as I read and study and follow my own blessing, I will find what I am looking for. Maybe I will even figure out what that is, exactly.
It is a nice thing to finally have. It is similar to my own, in a few ways. Again, I wont be going into it here. If I know you and you want to talk to me about it, give me a call or shoot me a text/email, and I can talk to you about it.
If you are related to me and would like a copy of my father's blessing, let me know.

Happy New Year, blah blah blah.

This is not going to be some profound or even particularly witty post about resolutions or how I am going to change. I am feeling kinda grumpy.
I will say, that the list of things I want to change is mercifully short this year, but consists of all the big parts of my life. So it is going to be a challenge. I am up to it, though. Even though this past year has been crazy, full of challenges and health issues, I am chomping at the bit to get moving. The days can't come fast enough. I have already begun taking the steps I need to take in order to meet my goals. And those goals are specific, not the  dreamy, someday kind of goals, but hard, listed, and attainable decisions that have been made and will continue to be made every day. I have been on the right track for awhile now, it is time to get running. Stop meandering all over the place and focus. I hope you can keep up. :)