The past few months have flown by. I am eleven months post surgery and have lost 110 pounds. I lost 100 in the first six months. Working on ways to get past the plateau. I would like to lose at least another 45 pounds before this is all said and done.

I am working part time, five days a week at the gym, and train three times a week. I work as a babysitter there. It is pretty fun. Mostly because I get paid. :)

Things got pretty rough at the beginning of the year for me, as far as mental health goes. I am past it now.

I haven't pulled any hair out since August of 2012. Pretty proud and surprised about that.

Everyone is doing really well. Keeping busy.

I am hoping to start posting here again. I stay pretty busy so there isn't a lot of time but I will try and keep up.

Ninety.

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Three months.

It has been a little over three months since my RNY GB and I am down seventy pounds.
It has been a busy few months. I have been in lots of different places.
First, geographically. We went to Texas in June for a Martin family reunion. It was so great to see everyone. We also spent a week in Oklahoma at the in-laws. We worked hard but had a great time with Carolyn, Richard's mom. We got to see the Schemmers, Evelyn and Paul, Carolyn's aunt and uncle. I really love them. they are so sweet and faithful. They really are one of my favorite families to visit with. I loved seeing and spending so much time with all my family.
We ended up going back to Texas in July, as my sweet Grampy had passed away. I really miss him. He is home now, with my Grammy. So I am happy for him. He went peacefully, in his sleep, in his chair. I am grateful to my aunt Cheli for providing my grandparents with a good home to spend their last days in. It is not an easy thing, I think, to open your home for your aging parents. But I am sure she loved having them, even though it was not always easy.
In July, we went to Oklahoma for a day to spend some time with my mom. We only spent the time before and after the funeral, but it was good to be back in Norman. I missed my high school reunion, and the five k fun run for my gym, but it was worth it. I really had a great time with my family.
We spent a day and night in Eureka Springs Arkansas with Richard's sister Mary. It was great to see her and Nancy and spend some time in their favorite place. It was a great town, and Richard and I are looking forward to spending some time there as a couple in one of their many Bed and Breakfasts.
Emotionally, I have also been all over the map. Nothing too extreme, just a lot of ups and downs. It isn't anything worth going into a lot of analyzing, just been nostalgic and sad, and nostalgic and happy, and stressed, and calm. all at the same time. I am grateful to my family for their support during the last few months. So many changes.
Physically it has been a a roller coaster. My weight is plummeting, and my strength is climbing, and my wardrobe is shrinking, and my steering wheel has never been so far away. My shoes are all too big, and my underwear, and my dresses.The only constant has been my family.
I am taking up quilting, I think. Well, I have a quilt pattern and I am starting to cut out pieces to sew. I haven't sewn any yet. We will see.
I think I have blabbered on long enough.
Have a great week.

Two months post op

These are the before pictures, taken last Thursday at the gym. I will post more pictures every few weeks.

If you cut me...

So I have my surgery date for my gastric bypass. April 11th. I am as ready as I can get, I think. I have my vitamins and my protein and my appointments and new jammies and people coming to help out and take time off of work to help me. I have a few things left to do, which is to make a few freezer meals just in case I am in the hospital more than one night. Other than that, I expect to be up and around a lot. Maybe not at first, but I need to stay active. I quit my job at the mall, put in my notice at the babysitting gig so they can find a replacement. I will be going back to the babysitting, I think, unless they decide to stick with the replacement. Routine is important, so I won't be offended if they decide to stick with one. :)
I need to prepare my lesson for Easter Sunday. I wish my surgery was before the next time I teach, but they only do surgery on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Oh well. Can't win them all I guess. At least I can't.
I am excited about my surgery. I am finding, however, that I have a guarded hope. I wish I could just let go and be totally thrilled and all the way hopeful. The way I was when I was sure I was going to lose weight exercising and watching what I eat. I was planning things, looking forward to milestones, etc. But it didn't happen. And part of me is afraid that nothing will happen this time either. I know that doesn't make any sense. But I was SO SURE I was going to be able to do it. It is kind of disappointing to me that I let so many people down by not losing weight. I KNEW it was going to happen. And then it didn't. And it didn't. No matter what I changed or ate. I did gain some powerful insight into myself. And I learned that I really like exercise. Which I think are two big wins. And I am so much stronger mentally and physically. I am grateful for the things I have gained. But there is a part of me that is pouty and scared. I REALLY tried to do it on my own.
Anyway. I am making tons of sugar free jello. I am ordering chicken soup flavored protein off the internet. I am adding protein to the jello. Eventually I will be adding it to popsicles I make, too. I am not really that fond of protein powder. I have chocolate protein shakes. I have chew-able vitamins and calcium with D. I have sublingual b12, just in case my insurance doesn't want to pay for shots. I have switched my fluoxetine to tablets from capsules because I will no longer be able to digest capsules. I have biotin, just in case my hair starts to fall out. I have shakers and scoops and bottles and measuring cups and spoons and journal-ing stuff and all kinds of other things. I have been getting ready, ya'll. I mean for this to work. I am praying and hoping.
Now all I need is to get the man home from Europe and India. Next Thursday.
My mom is definitely coming out to help. She will be here for ten days. My aunt Cheli may be coming out to help too. I hope she does.
I am grateful for all the support I have gotten. In fact, I am happy to say that I have only gotten support. I have the best friends and family.

From Sacrament this morning

Savior, may I learn to love thee,

Walk the path that thou has shown,

Pause to help and lift another,

Finding strength beyond my own. 

Savior, may I learn to love thee-

Lord I would follow thee.

Who am I to judge another

When I walk imperfectly?

In the quiet heart is hidden

Sorrow that the eye can't see.

Who am I to judge another-

Lord, I would follow thee.

I would be my brother's keeper;

I would learn the healer's art.

To the wounded and the weary

I would show a gentle heart.

I would be my brother's keeper-

Lord, I would follow thee.

Savior, may I love my brother

As I know thou lovest me,

Find in thee my strength, my beacon,

For thy servant I would be.

Savior, may I love my brother-

Lord, I would follow thee.

Text: Susan Evans McCloud, b.1945

Music: K. Newell Dayley, b. 1939

John 13:34-35

1 John 3:16-19; 1 John 4:21

Recommendations?

I am feeling rather uninspired lately. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I am feeling a restlessness and a disquiet. There are amazing things going on in my life, and I am excited about them.
But there is an unease. Perhaps it is the BP, but whatever it might be, it is bringing me down.
In an effort to focus on the great things that are happening, and perhaps reduce the anxiety I am feeling, I am going to talk about some of the things happening.
First, is a lot of waiting. I am in the process of getting the bariatric surgery. The support has been fantastic. Makes me wonder if people have been thinking I needed it all along. Which they probably have. Which doesn't really surprise or bother me. My mom and Aunt Cheli are going to try to come out and help me when I have it done. Cheli has had the surgery, recently, and has done an amazing job. She says it is the hardest thing she has ever done, and the fact that she feels that way and is so supportive of me doing it makes me very happy.
The second is that I got a new calling in church. This is good news and bad news. Well, maybe not BAD news, but it definitely contributes to the uneasy feeling. I am now a Relief Society teacher. Sigh. It could be worse.
I don't know how. I have so much insecurity and anxiety wrapped up in RS and teaching in general. Add them both together and I am paralyzed with fear. I will get over it. there is a story about President Hinckley writing to his father about his fears on a mission and his father replying "Forget yourself and go to work." This is the new mantra for me, I think. Forget yourself and go to work.
I got a temple recommend for the first time in a little over a decade. This feels really good, but also causes me anxiety. I have not been in a long time. LONG time. I hope I can feel like I belong there again. I am nervous. But happy.
So there it is. I am nervous but happy. And trying to forget myself and go to work.

Big decisions

This seems to be a month for big decisions. I have another one to let you in on. I have withdrawn from my classes for this semester.
I know it seems a little extreme, but given the last four months and how I did last semester, I just feel like it is best to wait until I am more stable before I go investing all that time and energy and money into something that I am currently dreading and that causes me more anxiety than enjoyment. I have not decided to quit school, just to wait and see how this semester plays out mentally before I go jumping in again. I have discussed it with Richard, extensively, and he and I agree that this is the best choice for now.
I am open for new opportunities, whatever they are. I am confident that this is the right thing. For now.
So there is that.
Well, I should qualify the statement about new opportunities. I am open to them as long as they don't involve me being an independent consultant for anyone. LOL.

I have something to tell ya'll.

I do.

It is big. And it is something I do not take lightly. And it is something I have been considering on and off for about 12 years. I am getting breast implants.

HA! Not really. I am having bariatric surgery. I have been trying unsuccessfully to lose this 180 or so pounds for, well, ever. But seriously for two and a little more years. I have tried Weight Watchers, which made me crazy about the numbers. I am currently and will continue working with a personal trainer as long as possible, but until at least September. I have taken Xenical and Meridia, I have tried extremely low calorie and moderate calorie and several kinds of diets. 

You may or may not be aware that I tried to switch my meds around this summer. My psych meds. HAHA. It didn't work, and the next thing you know, 40 pounds and almost five months later, I am back at square one. I have been manic for almost that entire time. Do you have any idea how HARD that is? Brain on fire, anxiety through the roof, paranoia, no sleeping, binge eating. For almost five months. It is no surprise to me that people do not live through this kind of thing. I mean, seriously. I have always been able to joke about being crazy but this has been REALLY hard. Pushed me to edge. But now I am slowly coming back. I am back on the good psych meds. I didn't require a trip to the hospital, and I didn't consume more than one dose of Xanax. The whole time. I flew, I soared. But I never got really happy. Just boundless energy and no sleeping. Tons of eating and talking. Non-stop talking. Failed my math class at the community college because of it. Sigh.

Any way, it was brought to my attention that I kind of had reached a point where I had a decision to make. I could be on the good meds, and continue to gain weight. Or I could sacrifice my stability in an effort to lose weight. Not a choice I wanted to make. Both had me getting sicker and sicker until I died young. Well, not young. I am almost forty, for Pete's sake. Younger than I care to die.

So I decided to go ahead with the surgery. I don't take it lightly. I don't think it is a magic fix. I know it will be the hardest thing I have ever done. But I am learning, thanks to a dear friend, that I cannot continue to use my mental illness, be it depression or mania, as an excuse to treat myself poorly. Eat bad food, spend loads of money, etc. So I am taking each day one moment at a time. Making slow and deliberate decisions and I have found that if I am really trying, I CAN control myself. It is NOT easy. But I am grateful for the lessons I have learned, through sheer will, or from dearly loved friends and family. And if you are my friend or family, you are dearly loved. 

Which comes to the point where I tell you what I need from you. Please engage me in conversations about this decision. Do not, however, tell me I am quitting, or giving up. Or that I have failed. I struggle with that on my own and don't need those thoughts encouraged. Feel free to tell me you are proud of how far I have come on my own. Feel free to tell me you disagree. But please don't tell me it is a mistake, even if you think I really need to hear it. I know how big a deal this is. I do not take it lightly. AT ALL.

Thank you for your support.

I love you.

Food.

I have been using a new program to keep track of my food intake and what-not. It is from my gym. It is really neat. You get a grade for the nutrients in the food you eat. So far I get mostly A on everything. I have trouble getting a good grade on sodium and cholesterol. The neat thing is, you can get suggestions to eat stuff to make your grade go up. It is pretty cool. I am using it vigilantly, if you can use something like that vigilantly. Anyway, I am enjoying it. And if you know me, you know I hate keeping track of things like that. I am working on getting the forty pounds I have managed to gain in the last four months off. IKR?
I am cooking more, and eating way more fruit and vegetables. It is kinda fun, seeing how good of a grade I can get on each item. I recommend it. Still working out with my trainer. And by myself. And with Richard. I am trying to make it at least four time a week. The goal is five, but I don't feel too bad if I only make four. I am trying to burn at least five hundred calories per workout. I get that much with my trainer. I get that much when I work out by myself. I am trying to get that when I work out with Richard, but I really don't have a way to gauge how many calories I work off when I am not on the treadmill. I just know how hard I sweat. Which is a LOT.
It is kinda gross.
I start school next week. I am taking history and English comp. I am nervous. My mental health has not been that great for a while now and I am afraid I will fail another class. I think it will be okay though. I can only do what I can do, right?

Blessings

I received my father's Patriarchal Blessing in the mail today. I requested it last week. I thought it might give me some insight. It was a wonderful blessing. Beautiful, really. It has left me rather at a loss, I am afraid. I didn't receive any insight into my father or his life. But it let me know that he was highly favored of the Lord. Which is interesting to me on several levels. I won't go into them on this blog. It is too personal.
Maybe as I read and study and follow my own blessing, I will find what I am looking for. Maybe I will even figure out what that is, exactly.
It is a nice thing to finally have. It is similar to my own, in a few ways. Again, I wont be going into it here. If I know you and you want to talk to me about it, give me a call or shoot me a text/email, and I can talk to you about it.
If you are related to me and would like a copy of my father's blessing, let me know.

Happy New Year, blah blah blah.

This is not going to be some profound or even particularly witty post about resolutions or how I am going to change. I am feeling kinda grumpy.
I will say, that the list of things I want to change is mercifully short this year, but consists of all the big parts of my life. So it is going to be a challenge. I am up to it, though. Even though this past year has been crazy, full of challenges and health issues, I am chomping at the bit to get moving. The days can't come fast enough. I have already begun taking the steps I need to take in order to meet my goals. And those goals are specific, not the  dreamy, someday kind of goals, but hard, listed, and attainable decisions that have been made and will continue to be made every day. I have been on the right track for awhile now, it is time to get running. Stop meandering all over the place and focus. I hope you can keep up. :)

All I want for Christmas

Is my two front teeth! And I got them! They still look unnatural to me, but I think they will grow on me. I hope so. This is a temporary fix until I get implants.

What have I gotten myself into?

Can I really do all the things I have on my plate? Gym, school, work, church callings, etc. Not necessarily in that order, but GWhiz. I used to have pajamas that said that on the shirt. When I lived with my dad.
What the heck am I thinking? I can barely do my school work and the gym. Why did I throw a job in there?
I have got to lose weight. It is making me insane. I am eating like crap, because I am never home. I am missing three days a week at the gym, and I just got started. This is not even the busiest time at work. Things are only going to get crazier. I hope I can maintain my sanity.
I know what you are going to say, let the gym go. But I absolutely am unwilling to let that go. I need at least 4 days a week just to maintain my weight. If I only go to my sessions I will gain weight. I can't do it, folks. I can't gain any more weight. I am already back to 300. I had to buy new clothes, because I got rid of all of my old bigger sized clothes. So what am I supposed to do?
Any thoughts?

Much better

Now I can see all my blogs again. The other layout template was interesting, but I didn't like it after a day or so. So I am back to the other way.
I am working, at Hickory Farms, again. The lady I work for is very nice and when she called I was so excited that she wanted me to work for her again I said yes before I could think about it. I am glad though, because it is a lot of fun. There are so many people out there that stop and say hi, or chat with you. Of course there are some that don't, but the majority of people are happy about getting a hello and how are you and will return it, given the chance. Mostly it ends in a sale, but even when it doesn't it is still pretty satisfying. And people's kids these days are just gorgeous. Makes me miss and wish I were closer to all the little kids in my life.
I am also still in school four days a week and still doing my personal training twice a week. So I am pretty busy. But I am happy.
I hope you are too.
I am thinking about doing a thankful post. I haven't done one in a year or so, and while I try to let people know when and why I am thankful for something they have done or just for them in general, I need to offer my gratitude to my Heavenly Father publicly for the very many blessings he provides me.
So look for that soon.
Gotta get to bed, I am a working girl now, gotta get up and go to work tomorrow.

modern greetings

My sister's company that she works for is launching a new website. It is awesome. It is moderngreetings.
Go sign up for a free photo book. Very cool stuff. Can't wait for the launch!
www.moderngreetings.com

Phones

I got a phone call today from my old boss at Hickory Farms. She wants me to work for her again! YAY! That means I wasn't horrible. Anyway, I filled out my paperwork online and I think I start next week. Not sure, I have to get a phone call from her telling me when to come in and stuff.
I am so excited!

Friendship

I take my friendships very seriously I don't make friends easily or lightly. If you are going to be in my inner circle, there are a few obstacles to break through. If you aren't in my inner circle, you can still be my friend, but I will keep my opinions and feelings to myself. Anyway, this isn't the point.
My close friends know they are important to me, and they know who they are. If you are not sure, you are not one of my closest friends. These people know I am there when they need me, no matter what. I know the same is true about them. They don't offend easily. Neither do I. I don't necessarily have to talk to you every day in order to consider you a close friend. If I love you, you know it. If I have ever told you I love you, I still do.
I say all this because one of my very best friends is moving next week. Across the country. Far away from me. Very far. Farther than I have ever been away from home, either here or in Oklahoma or in Texas. The farthest I have been from home is Utah. And that isn't that far. I have never been farther west than Arizona, and I have only ever visited one friend that lived far away from me. She is still one of my closest friends, and I haven't seen or talked to her in years. But I know she loves me, like she used to, and she knows the same is true for me. That time I went to Colorado. This time it is even farther than that. Washington state. The only other friend I visit is only because she lives near my family. What I am trying to say is that it is not easy for me to go out and visit my friends. This is because I hate traveling. A lot. If I am going to go to the trouble of traveling far from home, it better be for family. I don't see them often enough, so when I am gone from my home, I want to be with my family.
I am going to miss this friend more than I can articulate. Her family has become part of my family, and I don't want them to go. Actually, I want them to go, and I am excited for this move, for the sole purpose of it being a great opportunity and Heavenly Father has assured me that it is where they need to be. But part of me wants to cry for hours (or maybe days) and beg them to stay. I want to spend every last minute with them. The last four years have been great, because I have had my friends to share them with. I have grown a lot, learned a lot as a mother and friend, loved a great deal, and I will miss them so much. They have changed my life.
I have close friends here still. That won't change. Nor does this post mean I love them any less. All of you have changed my life for the better. All of you will be in my heart forever. That is why you are my close friends. I am blessed that Heavenly Father has put so many wonderful people in my life when and where I need them.
I know it is time for them to move on. But I will miss them. So much. The words are inadequate. My heart aches. I don't want to be without them.
So this post is for them, all seven of them. I LOVE YOU. I will think of you every day. I know we will stay in touch because I am not letting you go. So tonight, when I see you, just know how much you mean to me, and know how much I love you. And how much I am going to be missing you. But also know I am proud of you, and where you are going in your life. And I am grateful for everything you have done for and been to me.
My contacts are fogging up. Time to start getting ready for dinner.

Update...

Okay, so the last post was not that cheerful. I realize for some of you that is so not cool. Okay, so this one is going to be better.
I re-upped with my personal trainer for another year. I went to my psychiatrist and got another anti-psychotic for my bipolar, one that is weight neutral. I stopped taking all the diuretics.
I am feeling so much better about everything. I realize sometimes when I get things off my chest it sort of solves the problem, and then I feel a little embarrassed that I let everything go like that.
So I am beginning all over. I am going to pretend that I am just beginning, and here I am just deciding to lose weight, just deciding that this is a journey I want to go on. For the last few weeks I felt that I needed a break, that I wanted to just put everything on hold for awhile. Things got pretty intense in my head. And with my weight. I made it back up to 308. The funny thing is, I don't have any clothes that fit that size anymore. I was so determined not to go back there that I gave away prolly three or four hundred dollars worth of clothes. An entire wardrobe. Nothing I own is over a size 24. Now I am stuck in my workout clothes, for the most part, because they are the only things that fit. Heh.
I am back down to 295, for a minute.  It still fluctuates wildly. I go see my endocrinologist on Tuesday. Hopefully we will find a reason for the weight. Hopefully it will be some version of the anti-psychotic drug mixing with the hormone changes (or whatever) to make the drug make me put on almost forty pounds in two months. Or something else that I am easily able to fix. In any case, I am ok. I am going to do a bod pod session on the 17th, where I sit in this little chamber (pod) and it measures my resting metabolic rate, my exact body fat percentage, and a couple of other things that will give my trainer something to work with as far as how many calories I need everyday, and what sorts of foods to avoid and to encourage. My trainer is amazing y'all. He works so hard to help me. My sessions are brutal, to the point that I am in tears. But he somehow makes me feel like I am succeeding anyway. He is helping me in so many ways. I cannot recommend enough that you go see him. If you need a free pass to the gym to get you started, I have several. Let me know, ok? I am serious, you guys. This is life changing stuff. Even if you just join the gym, you get a free session with a trainer. Ask for John VanVelkinburgh. I will give you his number, if you want it. Even if you think you can't afford it, check it out. The staff at Club Fitness and the DFM trainers are all amazing and willing to work with you however they can. Nick Wibbenmeyer is the DFM manager. He is awesome as well. They are all of them very compassionate and interested in helping you do what YOU can to help yourself.
So the break thing isn't going to happen. I am instead going to double my efforts at the gym, going at least four times a week, preferably five. I am going to be keeping a meticulous food journal. SO yeah. This is it again. I am pumped and ready to go. I hope I am never back here again. I hope we can find the reason I got back here again and fix it so it NEVER happens again. But even if I go through this again, over and over, this is my life now. I will never go back to just laying on the couch all day. I will never go back to binge-ing on food again. Not happening. Never. I WILL be healthy (and cute) again. Even if I am gray and bald. Heh.
I think this is long enough. Thanks for listening.