It is big. And it is something I do not take lightly. And it is something I have been considering on and off for about 12 years. I am getting breast implants.
HA! Not really. I am having bariatric surgery. I have been trying unsuccessfully to lose this 180 or so pounds for, well, ever. But seriously for two and a little more years. I have tried Weight Watchers, which made me crazy about the numbers. I am currently and will continue working with a personal trainer as long as possible, but until at least September. I have taken Xenical and Meridia, I have tried extremely low calorie and moderate calorie and several kinds of diets.
You may or may not be aware that I tried to switch my meds around this summer. My psych meds. HAHA. It didn't work, and the next thing you know, 40 pounds and almost five months later, I am back at square one. I have been manic for almost that entire time. Do you have any idea how HARD that is? Brain on fire, anxiety through the roof, paranoia, no sleeping, binge eating. For almost five months. It is no surprise to me that people do not live through this kind of thing. I mean, seriously. I have always been able to joke about being crazy but this has been REALLY hard. Pushed me to edge. But now I am slowly coming back. I am back on the good psych meds. I didn't require a trip to the hospital, and I didn't consume more than one dose of Xanax. The whole time. I flew, I soared. But I never got really happy. Just boundless energy and no sleeping. Tons of eating and talking. Non-stop talking. Failed my math class at the community college because of it. Sigh.
Any way, it was brought to my attention that I kind of had reached a point where I had a decision to make. I could be on the good meds, and continue to gain weight. Or I could sacrifice my stability in an effort to lose weight. Not a choice I wanted to make. Both had me getting sicker and sicker until I died young. Well, not young. I am almost forty, for Pete's sake. Younger than I care to die.
So I decided to go ahead with the surgery. I don't take it lightly. I don't think it is a magic fix. I know it will be the hardest thing I have ever done. But I am learning, thanks to a dear friend, that I cannot continue to use my mental illness, be it depression or mania, as an excuse to treat myself poorly. Eat bad food, spend loads of money, etc. So I am taking each day one moment at a time. Making slow and deliberate decisions and I have found that if I am really trying, I CAN control myself. It is NOT easy. But I am grateful for the lessons I have learned, through sheer will, or from dearly loved friends and family. And if you are my friend or family, you are dearly loved.
Which comes to the point where I tell you what I need from you. Please engage me in conversations about this decision. Do not, however, tell me I am quitting, or giving up. Or that I have failed. I struggle with that on my own and don't need those thoughts encouraged. Feel free to tell me you are proud of how far I have come on my own. Feel free to tell me you disagree. But please don't tell me it is a mistake, even if you think I really need to hear it. I know how big a deal this is. I do not take it lightly. AT ALL.
Thank you for your support.
I love you.
Congrats! This is a big one but through your dedication and hard work I know you will make it. Sometimes one day is all we can handle but luckily most of the time, that is all way have to handle at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI have struggled with self control in regards to food for a long time too and it just not a fun cycle to be on. I hope this gives you the jump start you need to make those life long habit changes in your daily life.
And congrats to you for putting you first. It is so easy to let yourself fall the side when worrying about your family and friends.
2012 may just be the best year yet!
That is what I am hoping, Ragan. Thanks so much. Love and miss you guys.
ReplyDeleteI think it is an excellent decision and not at all "quitting," or "giving up." The easy way out would be to not do anything at all...to just simply sit and watch everything i.e. your life, your weight, fall by the wayside. You are being proactive and figuring out a path to take that is right for you. I am proud of how hard you are working, whether you think you are or not.
ReplyDeleteJust give everything your best and focus on small goals. I know you will succeed if you take an honest approach to attaining those goals. Like Ragan said, sometime one day at a time is all you can take.
i love you and I'm rooting for you!
Thanks, blue. Love you.
ReplyDeleteI have wondered often over the years if, given all of the issues you describe here, this wouldn't actually be your best option. Not because it is easy, but because it gives you your best shot (in my opinion) at both weight loss and stability. In all the years I've known you, I can't ever think of a time you gave up on anything easily. That's why you are still here, still happily married, and have two great boys. And given all the things you have to struggle with, that's an amazing accomplishment. I've always admired your ability to hang in there despite the odds, and to me, this is yet another example of you pushing through something incredibly difficult to get to something better. Love you! Please keep me updated.
ReplyDeleteGood for you! I am thinking I will do it too when I am finished with school and can take the time off to recover. Next year. Congrats!
ReplyDeleteFrom someone who has had both breast implants and multiple gut surgeries, for different reasons, I know you gotta do what you gotta do to get healthy. My advice is to keep up with your exercising, because 1) the stronger you are when you go in, the faster and easier your recovery will be, and 2) having a habit of exercising beforehand will make it easier to re-cultivate that habit when you are able, and that will make your success even greater.
ReplyDeleteAlso from someone who knows what it is to have your guts chopped up, it ain't no thang. You got this.
I am so proud of you!!!! I am on your side 100%!!! Love ya!
ReplyDelete...what they said!
ReplyDeleteyou go girl!!! :D
ReplyDeleteAs someone who has a loved one who chose this surgery, I completely understand you would not take it lightly. It is a major decision, but nothing you can't handle. You can count on our support.
ReplyDelete